While in the Waiting Room

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and for the Lord." Psalm 27:13

Wow. I don't even know how to fit all of my thoughts and feelings into one measly little blog right now. As a matter of fact, I know there is no way that I could. God has really been stirring up a lot in me lately. The current issue at hand, waiting. My heart seems to shudder at this word. In the Psalms above, it is so easy for me to rest and rely on the first half. "I will see the goodness of the Lord". That, I can cling to. That makes my heart soar and my spirit rejoice. It is the second part I have an issue with, "Wait for the Lord". My human impulsive, impatient flesh groans in contempt when I hear the word "wait". As humans, we are designed to not want to wait. We want things now, as soon as the desire is placed in our hearts and minds. Could you imagine for one moment if we jumped at every desire as soon as it entered our souls. But this isn't the point I want to make. The point is not what happens when we don't wait. I have heard sermon upon sermon about waiting for God's timing. I know all the reasons why we wait. I know that God honors waiting. I know that waiting is obedience and its for our good. It doesn't make waiting any easier to know these thing though. What I do not know however, is how to wait well. I mean, seriously think about it. What is the point of waiting if we are going to constantly be miserable and groaning the whole time. What is the point of waiting if God only hears complaints and hints of bitterness, which you must admit we all have at some point during our wait. Now, I know God can handle our complaints and whining. But just because He can, why should He have to? The one thing that I want the most on the earth, apart from the Lord, is a husband. God has placed this desire in me since I was born basically. It has never left me, not even for one day. I have even prayed it away on several occasions, begging the Lord if He had no intentions on bringing me a husband then I was fine with that, just please take the desire away. Well, needless to say the desire is still here and the husband is not. So yes, I know I am meant to get married. I have no doubt in my mind about that. When I pray for a husband and get discouraged it is not because I don't believe there is one out there for me, it is because he is not showing up soon enough. I AM WEARY OF WAITING! God hears that far to often out of my mouth. So how do we wait well? Because it is in the waiting well that God longs to be "gracious to us, to show compassion on us, to Bless those who wait on Him" Is. 30:18. If you have children or have been around children, you know what I am talking about. When they want something there is two ways they go about it: 1.) asking politely and 2.) repetitively whining and demanding NOW NOW NOW. You say hold on just a second yet they continue to beg. It becomes down right annoying. You almost don't want to give them what they are wanting out of spite. That is how I feel like we sound to God, simply annoying. We act like He is withholding this one thing from us out of spite. We ask repeatedly like He didn't hear us the first time. Now don't misunderstand me, it is okay to pray for the same thing constantly. The word says "pray without ceasing" 1Thessalonians 5:17. So yes, don't quit praying for something that means a lot to you. What I am suggesting however, is how you pray for it. The word says "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4. Matthew 12:34 says "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Our desires are placed in our hearts by God when we first delight in Him. When we dedicate our lives, joy, and happiness to the Lord, for the Lord, He puts desires for good things in our heart. Therefore, whatever our desires or "request" are come from how we feel about the Lord. If we are content, joyful, and excited about the Lord then our mouth sends our requests out in this way to the Lord. He hears our desires as confident, expectant, faithful and joyful. Who wouldn't want to bless that? The problem exist when our hearts have grown weary of the wait. Our request are denied when they are sent out with bitterness hanging on, doubt and anxiousness. We are not delighting in the Lord when are doubtful, discouraged and impatient. Those things are not from God at all. Matthew 21:22 says "If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." According to Strong's concordance believe means to stand firm, be confident in, to in trust. This is how we should present our request, with confidence KNOWING that God will give us the desires of our hearts because that is what He has promised. We should stand firm in our hope KNOWING that what we have asked may linger but we will "wait for it; it will certainly come and WILL NOT DELAY" Habakkuk 2:3. The waiting part shouldn't even be the issue. Waiting is a part of life. We so easily wait in lines at restaurants because we KNOW that we will eventually get fed. We so easily and patiently wait for our next hair appointment because we have no doubt that we are indeed going to get our hair done. So what makes waiting on the Lord so much harder when He delights in giving us the desires of our heart. What He gives is "far better than anything we could imagine or think up on our own: Ephes.3:20 The way we wait and wait well is by pressing into God. Seeking His word to grow deeper in our knowledge of Him. We wait well by rejoicing in every moment that we walk with our Savior. We focus on the giver and not the getting. I believe when we can reach this point, that is when the Lord will say "well done good and faithful servant" and in turn He will then joyfully give us the desires of our heart. The desire that He has so graciously put there waiting for the moment He could romance us with them. So remain confident in this, you WILL see the goodness of the Lord. In the meantime be strong, confident, hopeful and let your heart stand firm and rejoice in the Lord. Wait for Him to come to you and display His glory for all to see. When the Lord brings you your desires they will be "sweeter than honey" to your mouth. Wait well beloveds. It will be well worth every second when you see the hand of the Lord upon you.

My Dance has Begun...

How is it possible to be this in love? My heart burns with an all consuming passion. Jesus, the lover of my soul has pursued me and won. All this time I was searching for a love to fill the empty space in my soul. The space, that lingered of loneliness and incompleteness. Last night, I met Jesus face to face in our secret place. He said now is the time. Now beloved, the time has come that you believe I am your Bridegroom, your husband, the only one your heart should desire. As my soul floated into the Heavens, there in the night we danced, as newlyweds on their wedding night. In His presence I felt completely safe and at peace. Resting in His arms my soul ceased striving. It was completely satisfied in my lover’s arms. This is what I have been looking for. Jesus has shown me this love that no other could fulfill. He has "Set me as a seal over His heart, as a seal on His arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: it burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned" (Song of Songs 8:6). Can this love be real? A love as strong as death, burning like a blazing fire, this is what love I know. Jesus has called me into His throne room. I won’t relent. My feet will run with the quickness after my lover. He beckons me and I answer. My soul burn’s with a longing for Him. Though He constantly consumes me, I have yet to get enough. He calls me His glorious princess, and brings me into His palace leading me in with joy and gladness. I meet my King face to face. He is enthralled by my beauty (psalm 45:11). He sees me as Holy. I bow before my King, for He is worthy of my praise. He lifts my face to the sky and His light makes my face radiant. This is what I was created for; this is what I live for. One look on His face, one glance at His eyes ignites the flame in my heart. He brings me into His Holy place and I dance! I dance for my King. I sing His praises. This is it. I have found what my soul hungers for. I have found the one this desire in my heart burns for. There is no need to seek any longer, no need to wait on the watch tower anymore. My beloved has sought me, found me, pursued me and won me. My love romance has begun. It is better than I could have ever imagined. My dance has begun and its one that never ends. It is pure beauty. My heart throbs and swells with joy (Isaiah60:5). He has allured me into the wilderness and spoken tenderly to me there. We are betrothed together forever, in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. We are betrothed in faithfulness and I call Him Lord (Hosea 2:14 ). He is my maker, my Husband. The Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is my redeemer (Isaiah 54:5). There is no greater love than this. It fulfills my desires and consumes me. His love is more than enough for me.

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength.

Today began day 5 of the infamous Daniel Fast. I must say, it has been a 5 day rollercoaster ride to say the least. I admit I have definitely had my up's and down's. Yesterday was my biggest down. I nearly had a melt down at Chic-Fila alongside my one and a half year old nephew. It wasn't really the cravings for food that made me upset but how incredibly exhausted I felt. This made me realize how addicted my body is to sugar and caffeine. Shame, Shame. As I drove home last night nodding in and out of a wide awake sleep (where your eyes are wide open and you know you must be awake but you are really not conscious at all) I began to remember the whole reason for the Daniel Fast. Daniel chose to fast the Kings food to prove that His strength relied upon the Lord. At the end of the fast Daniel was stronger than the kings. Is God of the Old Testament not still the God of today? Of course He is! As this played over in my head I began to pray. I asked the Lord to give me the kind of strength that He gave Daniel. I expressed my weariness and exhaustion yet told Him I trusted in Him to supply my strength. This morning, I woke up renewed, refreshed, energized and ready to take on the day. I made breakfast, got the kids ready and took them to the park. At the park we ran laps up and down the playground, traveled to space and back and even swung through the trees of South America as tigers chased us. Whew. That was enough to wear anyone out, and to me it did. As we arrived back at the house and I started to make them lunch, my body was quickly shutting down. Fatigue entered and my body and I began to feel drained. Then I remembered the “praying” part of the fast. I quickly asked God to renew my strength and give me a supernatural energy that only He could provide. That was three hours ago and here I am writing this note, fully awake. He is so good, is He not? That is one of the greatest things I am learning from this fast. First, reliance upon the Lord is all that you need and second, to praise Him for every provision small or large. Before I laid the kids down for nap, I decided to do a small devotional with them. The devotion of the day was on thankfulness. It explained that whenever we are grumpy or having a spirit of complaining, we need to turn it around with thanks. I did this devotional with Jake because he had been giving me trouble laying down for naptime. I explained to Jake that instead of whining we need to be thanking. As I laid him down for nap, we thanked Jesus for sleep and I never heard another peep. Then, with all the renewed energy in me I sat down to study God’s word. I began with a devotional from Proverbs 31 ministry and low and behold it was about contentment and thankfulness. God has a funny way of showing us His face through children. That very devotion I was giving to my nap rebelling nephew was actually meant for me. I have struggled so much lately with finding contentment. God has moved me from a place of comfortableness to a place of uncertainty. My flesh has acted out in all of this and I have done nothing but complain and whine. Contentment has been the last emotion on my agenda. I am ashamed to admit, but all I’ve been doing is searching for more and daydreaming for better, as if God is not enough. Where is my praise? Where is my thanksgiving? Psalm 103 Says to praise God and “forget not ALL His benefits-for He forgives ALL your sins, heals ALL your diseases, redeems your life from the pit and crowns your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like eagles.” Wow, if that doesn’t humble me, then nothing will. God has for one, given us the ultimate gift of Salvation. It is free, undeserved and eternal. He rescued me from the pit of Hell I had placed myself in simply because He loves me and wanted to. I should wake up every morning and go to bed everyone night with songs of thanksgiving for just that alone. Next we have His whole “forgiving and forgetting our sins”. I don’t know about you, but if I had a dime for everyone….. Thank you Jesus we don’t have to review those. Then we have the fact that He “heals all our diseases.” Imagine if Christ wasn’t in control of our bodies. All the things we do to ourselves from driving wreck-less and eating terrible. Then you have the billions upon billions of germs we encounter every day. We should be dead, seriously. But God is so mighty he saves us from death, daily. Finally, Psalms 103 reveals to us that He crowns us with love and compassion and SATISFIES OUR DESIRES WITH GOOD THINGS. He goes beyond, beyond to bless us. That was only 5 lines in the whole entire bible revealing God’s blessings. Repentance has risen up in me and my heart swells with songs of thanksgiving at how truly amazing our God really is. Paul said he learned to be content. I think He learned by fully relying on God and acknowledging every minute blessing God bestowed upon Him, from strength to humility. This fast is teaching me who God really is and what He wants, and ridding me of who I am and what I want. I am thankful for that. What are you thankful for? I would love to hear the things God has done and is doing in your life. Let’s lift His name up and give Him some praise! Thanks and have a blessed day :)

Goodbye Yesterday, Hello Tomorrow.

It is officially 2:47 a.m. on the first day of 2010. Happy New Year! As I sit here, delirious and hungover from excessive amounts of peanut butter balls and punch, I reminisce on the last 23 years of my life. For a cup half full perspective, each year has been better than the one before. I am filled with anticipation of what the new year will hold for me. God has blessed me abundantly and continues to pour out His favor upon me. His promise of plans to give me hope and a future are exceeding every bit of my expectations. I dare to even imagine what He has in store for me this year. Tonight I leave any and every expectation or preconceived notion behind. Tonight I exhale and brace myself fo

r the unknown. The possibilities are endless with the Lord in the driver seat of my life. Tonight, I leave yesterday behind and eagerly look forward to what tomorrow holds. Tonight I am going to bed overly satisfied, fully content, and incandescently happy. Tonight, I enter 2010 fully trusting God and ready for the plans He has for my life to begin. My plans for the new year along with my resolutions are getting thrown into the trash. Who really carries them out anyways? Instead, I'm leaving my plans up to God. They're in His hands to do with them as He pleases. This year I'll live by one motto and one alone. "Plan to be surprised". It's the theme to one of my favorite movies Dan in Real Life. So, I end 2009 with one request from the Lord-surprise me God, I plan to be surprised. Goodnight and goodbye 2009, Hello and Good morning 2010 :)

You May Say that I’m a Dreamer….

(Am I the Only One?)

Tonight was a glorious night to say the least. I enjoyed hours upon hours of marvelous girl time. First my beloved friend Erin came over. We baked cookies, listened to the Beatles,….even played dress up! We talked a lot, laughed a lot, sang louder than we should, and of course analyzed each other’s lives (we are both Psych majors). Erin is my shoulder to lean on and that “when you’ve got a friend in need” kind of friend. She always knows how to put my jumbled thoughts in order to create within me a sound mind. That poor girl endures more heart to heart vomiting then anyone should ever have to. I love her and appreciate her so much for that. Upon her departure, Rae was the next to knock on the door. As always, we welcomed each other with instant giggles and over dramatized stories of our week. She came bearing gifts too, a diet Dr. Pepper. She knows me too well. Rae is definitely one of my soul mates. I believe we have many of those in life. One thing that binds me and Rae is our hopeless romantic, whimsy spirits. We talk about the hopes we had as little girls, we plan our weddings, and we daydream about traveling the world someday. When I am with Rae, she helps me hold on to the belief that fairytales do exist.

I know that I’m a dreamer. I know that I prefer to live in a flight of fancy over reality. I’m okay with this. It seems that other people are not however. It makes me sad when I tell someone how I view my future, and they laugh and tell me that it’s not reality. They start in with the “well what if” and “but you have to”. Oh my favorite, “Emily, (giggling in that annoying way of theirs) that just doesn’t exist”. Ugh, who has bewitched these people!? If you think about it, what is reality? Who gets to define it and why? Just because one person’s reality is a 9 to 5 job, a mediocre marriage and a complacent life, doesn’t mean it’s the same for the next person.

Webster defines reality as “the quality or state of being real”. If you can see it, touch it, taste it or hear it then I say it’s real! I think people stop believing in fairytales when life simply throws them a curve ball and they don’t know how to catch it. They attempt to dodge it and fall on their face. Their first failure keeps them on the ground. That first misfortune devours their hope. That first heart break leaves them….broken. Trust me, I’ve been through all of them. There have been times when I’ve been tempted, even enthralled by the idea of succumbing to the mediocrity of normal, lackluster living. Better safe than sorry, right? But think of all the breathtaking moments these people miss out on by being safe.

I know a woman well into her fifty’s who believes that all men are pigs. Granted some of them are, her belief system arose out of one bad relationship! This bitter ending led her to believe all men were the same. This in turn, caused her to go after such men. Do you see the vicious cycle? When you allow one circumstance to cause your hope to be deferred, you are only impairing yourself. In Emily’s world, she would have got off of the ground, picked her feet up, wiped the dirt off her hands, held her head high knowing that this broken hurt would be redeemed 100 hundred times over by a man who would love her til’ death do them part. If she would have just held on to the belief that there was a Knight in shining armor just waiting to come rescue her, then maybe, just maybe he would have eventually came. But now she will never know because she let go of the dream, and settled for what SHE thought, was reality. Do you catch my drift?

So maybe I am a dreamer, but at least a dreamer never settles. At least a dreamer always reaches for the moon knowing if they miss they’ll at least land among the stars. I know that relationships struggle, jobs grow old, we grow up and life happens. All I’m saying is that everyone deserves the best. The Lord puts desires in our hearts for a reason. He believes in romance, exhilaration, and abounding joy. In the midst of life, fairytales do exist. They exist in the small things. Don’t let them pass you by. Play dress up at 23, take spontaneous road trips to nowhere, laugh until you cry, find soul mates in unexpected places and keep dreaming for things yet to come. Never give up hope. Because “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). Let your roots grow deep and your branches high. For Life is but a dream…..

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE..

I think I have finally begun to understand the validity in this proverb. Patience. I’ve always heard preachers and those “full of wisdom” say, “Never pray for patience, because you’ll get it”. I’ve spent much of my prayer time with my soul in debate with my mind over to pray, or not to pray for that eight letter word that seems to carry so much weight. How can one word cause so much turmoil? If patience is such a vice to our character, why do we run from all that it holds. I think it is because we have been misguided, misinformed to the beauty of patience. The beauty of its virtuous gain. I believe that as humans, especially Americans, instant gratification has defined our lives for so long. We never have to wait for anything. Ask and you shall receive has been taken quite literally. Though my flesh lust after this behavior, my heart aches at all the wonderful things we miss out on by forsaking the wait. Recently, God has been moving in some pretty grandeur ways in my life. Words from Him I’ve been longing to hear, places I’ve been longing for Him to send me, are starting to be fulfilled. There were times when I would cry out and beg for movement. There were times when I didn’t understand and couldn’t comprehend why He didn’t seem to have any interest in my life. Looking back now, I see that it wasn’t merely movement He was doing in my life, it was much bigger. It was a complete rebirthing of my existence. During those periods of waiting, He was preparing me. He was molding me and shaping me as clay in the Potters hands. As I look back over journals I see His hands carving out each beautiful facet of my life. I see places where He built character in me. I see places where He saved me when I didn’t even realize I needed saving. I can see His fingerprints stained in the canvas of my stories. A work of art that delicately formed, my friends, is priceless. It is in these moments when I can sing in my patience. It’s in these moments when my heart is at peace with the patience He has mercifully given to me. We are His masterpiece. The Sistine chapel wasn’t built overnight. It was done thriftily, flawlessly, with detailed precision, and most of all with love. For the artist knew just what His creation was worth. Out of patience, magnificence was birthed and history forever changed. Now as I ponder that old proverb, I know the triumph of patience is not the virtue, but what it manifest’ in between. Tonight I’ll welcome patience and admire the beauty that unfolds.

She’s got a ticket to ride and she don’t care…

When John Lennon wrote this song, I am pretty sure he had me in mind (or so I’d like to think). The Beatles have always been my favorite band. My dad introduced them to me at a young age. It was the way we bonded. He would play me their records and tell me how each song reflected a time in his life. I fell in love with everything the Beatles represented to him. In the way he listened to them, I could sense him reminiscing on his past. He would daydream about times when he was a maverick, living life free. He let creativity be his guide through life and lived every second as his own. He wore shirts that said, “Keep on keepin’ on”, listened to the Beatles with his five year old and drew cartoons of our family. That’s what I loved about our time together, that it revolved around passion and originality. I am the spitting image of my father, looks and personality. I’ve always been a free spirit, standing on my tiptoes ready to fly away at the drop of a hat. Upon entering my twenties, I’ve realized I somehow left this part of me behind. The spontaneity I once possessed turned into what if’s and anxious fears. My aesthetic aspirations were replaced with mundane routine. Passion that was once indissoluble is now eclipsed by a simple discouraging word. As I began reflecting on this gradual shift of personality, one word was placed on my heart. Fear. Recently, while talking to the Lord, I’ve asked him to show me who I am. I am finally at a point where I no longer need the world to tell me, but I wanted to know who he sincerely created me to be. His word has told me he fearfully and wonderfully made me, however I don’t feel either of those things. I’ve felt like my own personal identity cease to exist. Like I woke up one day and looked in the mirror at a complete stranger. The vibrant little girl, fearless and animated had become worn down, anxious, and…well…paralyzed by fear. God has begun to reveal to me that somewhere along life’s journey I lost sight of who I am and who I was created to be. I have allowed life circumstances to tell me that the person I am is not good enough, or even worse, is too much. I did what my father never would; I rejected my uniqueness and conformed. I have allowed fear to grow in my heart that keeps me from spreading my wings and taking risk. God’s words are true when He says he “does not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. “ (2 Timothy 1:7. He tells me to be “strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9) As these revelations of fear overpowering me have risen to surface, I’ve realized how I have missed out on so much. God in his infinite mercy has given me gifts and told me to use them. He’s presented the gospel and asked me to go out and make disciples of all nations. He has created me as a masterpiece, to do good works in his name. He has told me I may approach him with CONFIDENCE. My passion and boldness are traits the Lord has lavished upon me for his good. I want to live fearlessly knowing that nothing that lies ahead of me is bigger than my God. I want to live the life I have been given, and be the person I was made to be, God’s zealous daughter with a heart for beauty and a passion for life. I want to live courageously knowing that the “Lord is the Spirit and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom.” (2 Corinthians 3:17) He has given me freedom to make decisions and freedom to take risk. Freedom, to be who I am and freedom to live confidently. Freedom to fly, knowing that if I fall He will catch me. In the words of the Beatles “Like a humming bird I’ll fly as a bird on wings. Whatever happened to the life we once knew? Always made me feel so free.” So here I go, spreading my wings and soaring on the wind of his promises. “Free as a bird, it’s the next best thing to be.”