His Love Makes it Worth it All...

Here is what I love about Jesus Christ-2000 years later, on His birthday when I am supposed to be blessing him, He is continuing to send His outpouring of love and blessing onto me. Today a phenomenal new story of redemption has occurred in my life. Another story of His unfailing love, unconditional compassion and unending grace has been written in my book of life. Today, 2000 years after entering this world in human flesh for the salvation of his people, He is still breaking chains and setting the captives free. Today He is still running passionately after His beloveds.

I have been struggling relentlessly with the call that Jesus has placed on my heart. He has called me into post abortion ministry, and of this I am sure. However, post abortion ministry is not rainbows and butterflies. It's dark and despairing. Post abortion ministry can be defined in two words: spiritual warfare. Satan has been roaming the earth since the fall of Eve, preying on women with one mission in mind: to kill, still and destroy God's plan and purpose for their lives. That is why this issue of abortion is never discussed, never mentioned and needless to say, never an acceptable conversation over dinner. Satan has so isolated it by overdosing the post abortive women with an overwhelming amount of guilt and shame. This guilt and shame has left them paralyzed by a fear of ever admitting their one “unforgivable sin” to anyone, ever! Satan is winning, you see.

One out of three women in the CHURCH, sitting on the very pew that you sit in every Sunday, has had an abortion. The woman who leads the nursery, your preacher’s wife, your hairstylist, your bank teller, your grandma. Abortion does not discriminate. It can allure the soul of any woman in desperation, fear, pain, or confusion. It goes after the Christian and non-Christian alike. After all, abortion is satan himself. He’s deceptive, deceiving even the strongest of strong. He tells her that there is no other way, that this is the only real choice she has to make. He deceives the woman to believe that this is what is best. Her life will be better in the long run. Her future can continue as before. The obstacle can be removed, quickly and easily as if nothing had ever happened. He deceives her to believe that good can come out of this. She is really doing the best thing for her child, herself, her family. She believes all this. She believes it because she’s desperate. Time is running out. She believes the evil one. He’s deceived her yet again, just like he did Eve. He made promises he never intended to keep.

Then, 15 minutes later, she walks out of the clinic. Broken. Wounded. Dead on the inside. Satan laughs in her face. He spits at her and mocks her stupidity. She’s alone, now more desperate than before. Her hopes, her dreams, her life have dissolved before her very eyes and by her very own hand. And in that moment she knows that she will forever carry this burden alone; hidden deep in the empty pit of her soul. No one can ever know what heinous crime she has committed. They would never understand. So she surrenders what is left of her integrity, worth and value over to the great deceiver.


This is abortion. This is the reality of one out of every three women that you run into daily.

This is where Jesus calls me. I was this girl at 19 years old. I was deceived in a moment of desperation. My life as I knew it ended that day. Satan won, FOR THE MOMENT. Had Christ not ran to me, I would still be dead in my sin. But, the Great Redeemer himself rescued me out of my deadness. He chose to come to me in the pits of my despair. He came because He had a plan and purpose for my life. He saw beauty among the ashes that covered me. He saw rubies and pearls amidst the mud and mire that I sat in.

But, He saved me for a purpose. He came to me with a plan. He revealed to me the isolation satan has brought upon the post abortive woman. He’s called me to bring the darkness to light. If I don’t, who will? How could I not tell the world what He has done for me? How can I keep it a secret any longer? That’s of satan, not of Jesus. Jesus is TRUTH. Jesus is LIFE. Nothing stays hidden in darkness when the light of Christ is so readily available.

So here is where my struggle ends. After wrestling as Jacob did with the Lord himself, God finally spoke louder than my mindless thoughts. I have been asked to give my testimony at church. My mother, being the great protector she is God bless her, was a little concerned that I should first tell family members who did not know of my past before sharing with the world publicly. Mom warned me that people may judge me and be harsh. She warned me that some may not understand. But wasn’t Jesus the most misunderstood person to ever walk this earth? Wasn’t he hated, despised and rejected? Wasn’t He hung on a cross because of his testimony? How could I not share in Christ’s suffering? He saved me for that very purpose. If I could set one woman free with the amazing grace and truth of the gospel, than I would consider it worth every loss. I assured her of all of this, yet deep inside I was beginning to experience a little uncertainty myself. I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit for guidance.

This morning, on Jesus birthday, my mom revealed to my grandmother my “past”. AND THE HOLY SPIRIT BEGAN TO MOVE! Because of my testimony, my grandmother revealed a family secret of her own. My mother’s aunt (my grandmothers sister), who had died at a young age having battled mental illness and alcoholism, had experienced an abortion before abortion was even legal. Upon having the abortion, my great aunt fell into extreme depression, and alcohol became her only escape. Satan kept her isolated, bound to the secret of her “unforgiveable sin”. Abortion, the great deception of the evil one, caused my aunt to forfeit the amazing purpose and plan my God had for her life. She hid her secret deep in her heart and let the guilt and shame wrap its tight rope around her neck and she jumped. She surrendered to the evil one. She remained alone and isolated in the darkness of her transgressions.

What if one person had told her that abortion was no greater sin than any other? What if one person had revealed their testimony of God’s amazing grace even in the midst of abortion? What if one other woman had reached out and told my great aunt that she was not alone? I believe that to this day she would still be alive. I believe she would be filled with joy, peace and love. Satan would have lost. Chains would have been broken. Her life would have been healed and delivered.

The Holy Spirit has convicted me enough through all of this that I now am certain of my purpose. Though I try to run from it, His love always calls me back to it. What I intended for evil, He so longs to turn to good. I have to simply be willing; willing to let my guard down, to stand up against the opposition of the evil one, to risk condemnation and judgment. I have to be willing to lay everything down in surrender at His feet; my hopes, my dreams, my plans. I have to believe that His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.


This life is not about me and my comfort. It’s about His love and His sacrifice. Jesus paid it all and all to Him I owe.

“He has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” Isaiah 61

We were saved by grace through faith. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:8-10.

This is our purpose; to make His name known and His Gospel famous; to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I’ve wrestled too long and hard with Him. He deserves my immediate obedience. Though satan attacks me with fear and doubt, there is one thing I now know and will forever cling to:

"All of this is for our benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that FAR OUTWEIGHS them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL."


HIS LOVE MAKES IT WORTH IT ALL!........

While in the Waiting Room

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and for the Lord." Psalm 27:13

Wow. I don't even know how to fit all of my thoughts and feelings into one measly little blog right now. As a matter of fact, I know there is no way that I could. God has really been stirring up a lot in me lately. The current issue at hand, waiting. My heart seems to shudder at this word. In the Psalms above, it is so easy for me to rest and rely on the first half. "I will see the goodness of the Lord". That, I can cling to. That makes my heart soar and my spirit rejoice. It is the second part I have an issue with, "Wait for the Lord". My human impulsive, impatient flesh groans in contempt when I hear the word "wait". As humans, we are designed to not want to wait. We want things now, as soon as the desire is placed in our hearts and minds. Could you imagine for one moment if we jumped at every desire as soon as it entered our souls. But this isn't the point I want to make. The point is not what happens when we don't wait. I have heard sermon upon sermon about waiting for God's timing. I know all the reasons why we wait. I know that God honors waiting. I know that waiting is obedience and its for our good. It doesn't make waiting any easier to know these thing though. What I do not know however, is how to wait well. I mean, seriously think about it. What is the point of waiting if we are going to constantly be miserable and groaning the whole time. What is the point of waiting if God only hears complaints and hints of bitterness, which you must admit we all have at some point during our wait. Now, I know God can handle our complaints and whining. But just because He can, why should He have to? The one thing that I want the most on the earth, apart from the Lord, is a husband. God has placed this desire in me since I was born basically. It has never left me, not even for one day. I have even prayed it away on several occasions, begging the Lord if He had no intentions on bringing me a husband then I was fine with that, just please take the desire away. Well, needless to say the desire is still here and the husband is not. So yes, I know I am meant to get married. I have no doubt in my mind about that. When I pray for a husband and get discouraged it is not because I don't believe there is one out there for me, it is because he is not showing up soon enough. I AM WEARY OF WAITING! God hears that far to often out of my mouth. So how do we wait well? Because it is in the waiting well that God longs to be "gracious to us, to show compassion on us, to Bless those who wait on Him" Is. 30:18. If you have children or have been around children, you know what I am talking about. When they want something there is two ways they go about it: 1.) asking politely and 2.) repetitively whining and demanding NOW NOW NOW. You say hold on just a second yet they continue to beg. It becomes down right annoying. You almost don't want to give them what they are wanting out of spite. That is how I feel like we sound to God, simply annoying. We act like He is withholding this one thing from us out of spite. We ask repeatedly like He didn't hear us the first time. Now don't misunderstand me, it is okay to pray for the same thing constantly. The word says "pray without ceasing" 1Thessalonians 5:17. So yes, don't quit praying for something that means a lot to you. What I am suggesting however, is how you pray for it. The word says "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4. Matthew 12:34 says "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Our desires are placed in our hearts by God when we first delight in Him. When we dedicate our lives, joy, and happiness to the Lord, for the Lord, He puts desires for good things in our heart. Therefore, whatever our desires or "request" are come from how we feel about the Lord. If we are content, joyful, and excited about the Lord then our mouth sends our requests out in this way to the Lord. He hears our desires as confident, expectant, faithful and joyful. Who wouldn't want to bless that? The problem exist when our hearts have grown weary of the wait. Our request are denied when they are sent out with bitterness hanging on, doubt and anxiousness. We are not delighting in the Lord when are doubtful, discouraged and impatient. Those things are not from God at all. Matthew 21:22 says "If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." According to Strong's concordance believe means to stand firm, be confident in, to in trust. This is how we should present our request, with confidence KNOWING that God will give us the desires of our hearts because that is what He has promised. We should stand firm in our hope KNOWING that what we have asked may linger but we will "wait for it; it will certainly come and WILL NOT DELAY" Habakkuk 2:3. The waiting part shouldn't even be the issue. Waiting is a part of life. We so easily wait in lines at restaurants because we KNOW that we will eventually get fed. We so easily and patiently wait for our next hair appointment because we have no doubt that we are indeed going to get our hair done. So what makes waiting on the Lord so much harder when He delights in giving us the desires of our heart. What He gives is "far better than anything we could imagine or think up on our own: Ephes.3:20 The way we wait and wait well is by pressing into God. Seeking His word to grow deeper in our knowledge of Him. We wait well by rejoicing in every moment that we walk with our Savior. We focus on the giver and not the getting. I believe when we can reach this point, that is when the Lord will say "well done good and faithful servant" and in turn He will then joyfully give us the desires of our heart. The desire that He has so graciously put there waiting for the moment He could romance us with them. So remain confident in this, you WILL see the goodness of the Lord. In the meantime be strong, confident, hopeful and let your heart stand firm and rejoice in the Lord. Wait for Him to come to you and display His glory for all to see. When the Lord brings you your desires they will be "sweeter than honey" to your mouth. Wait well beloveds. It will be well worth every second when you see the hand of the Lord upon you.

My Dance has Begun...

How is it possible to be this in love? My heart burns with an all consuming passion. Jesus, the lover of my soul has pursued me and won. All this time I was searching for a love to fill the empty space in my soul. The space, that lingered of loneliness and incompleteness. Last night, I met Jesus face to face in our secret place. He said now is the time. Now beloved, the time has come that you believe I am your Bridegroom, your husband, the only one your heart should desire. As my soul floated into the Heavens, there in the night we danced, as newlyweds on their wedding night. In His presence I felt completely safe and at peace. Resting in His arms my soul ceased striving. It was completely satisfied in my lover’s arms. This is what I have been looking for. Jesus has shown me this love that no other could fulfill. He has "Set me as a seal over His heart, as a seal on His arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: it burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned" (Song of Songs 8:6). Can this love be real? A love as strong as death, burning like a blazing fire, this is what love I know. Jesus has called me into His throne room. I won’t relent. My feet will run with the quickness after my lover. He beckons me and I answer. My soul burn’s with a longing for Him. Though He constantly consumes me, I have yet to get enough. He calls me His glorious princess, and brings me into His palace leading me in with joy and gladness. I meet my King face to face. He is enthralled by my beauty (psalm 45:11). He sees me as Holy. I bow before my King, for He is worthy of my praise. He lifts my face to the sky and His light makes my face radiant. This is what I was created for; this is what I live for. One look on His face, one glance at His eyes ignites the flame in my heart. He brings me into His Holy place and I dance! I dance for my King. I sing His praises. This is it. I have found what my soul hungers for. I have found the one this desire in my heart burns for. There is no need to seek any longer, no need to wait on the watch tower anymore. My beloved has sought me, found me, pursued me and won me. My love romance has begun. It is better than I could have ever imagined. My dance has begun and its one that never ends. It is pure beauty. My heart throbs and swells with joy (Isaiah60:5). He has allured me into the wilderness and spoken tenderly to me there. We are betrothed together forever, in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. We are betrothed in faithfulness and I call Him Lord (Hosea 2:14 ). He is my maker, my Husband. The Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is my redeemer (Isaiah 54:5). There is no greater love than this. It fulfills my desires and consumes me. His love is more than enough for me.

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength.

Today began day 5 of the infamous Daniel Fast. I must say, it has been a 5 day rollercoaster ride to say the least. I admit I have definitely had my up's and down's. Yesterday was my biggest down. I nearly had a melt down at Chic-Fila alongside my one and a half year old nephew. It wasn't really the cravings for food that made me upset but how incredibly exhausted I felt. This made me realize how addicted my body is to sugar and caffeine. Shame, Shame. As I drove home last night nodding in and out of a wide awake sleep (where your eyes are wide open and you know you must be awake but you are really not conscious at all) I began to remember the whole reason for the Daniel Fast. Daniel chose to fast the Kings food to prove that His strength relied upon the Lord. At the end of the fast Daniel was stronger than the kings. Is God of the Old Testament not still the God of today? Of course He is! As this played over in my head I began to pray. I asked the Lord to give me the kind of strength that He gave Daniel. I expressed my weariness and exhaustion yet told Him I trusted in Him to supply my strength. This morning, I woke up renewed, refreshed, energized and ready to take on the day. I made breakfast, got the kids ready and took them to the park. At the park we ran laps up and down the playground, traveled to space and back and even swung through the trees of South America as tigers chased us. Whew. That was enough to wear anyone out, and to me it did. As we arrived back at the house and I started to make them lunch, my body was quickly shutting down. Fatigue entered and my body and I began to feel drained. Then I remembered the “praying” part of the fast. I quickly asked God to renew my strength and give me a supernatural energy that only He could provide. That was three hours ago and here I am writing this note, fully awake. He is so good, is He not? That is one of the greatest things I am learning from this fast. First, reliance upon the Lord is all that you need and second, to praise Him for every provision small or large. Before I laid the kids down for nap, I decided to do a small devotional with them. The devotion of the day was on thankfulness. It explained that whenever we are grumpy or having a spirit of complaining, we need to turn it around with thanks. I did this devotional with Jake because he had been giving me trouble laying down for naptime. I explained to Jake that instead of whining we need to be thanking. As I laid him down for nap, we thanked Jesus for sleep and I never heard another peep. Then, with all the renewed energy in me I sat down to study God’s word. I began with a devotional from Proverbs 31 ministry and low and behold it was about contentment and thankfulness. God has a funny way of showing us His face through children. That very devotion I was giving to my nap rebelling nephew was actually meant for me. I have struggled so much lately with finding contentment. God has moved me from a place of comfortableness to a place of uncertainty. My flesh has acted out in all of this and I have done nothing but complain and whine. Contentment has been the last emotion on my agenda. I am ashamed to admit, but all I’ve been doing is searching for more and daydreaming for better, as if God is not enough. Where is my praise? Where is my thanksgiving? Psalm 103 Says to praise God and “forget not ALL His benefits-for He forgives ALL your sins, heals ALL your diseases, redeems your life from the pit and crowns your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like eagles.” Wow, if that doesn’t humble me, then nothing will. God has for one, given us the ultimate gift of Salvation. It is free, undeserved and eternal. He rescued me from the pit of Hell I had placed myself in simply because He loves me and wanted to. I should wake up every morning and go to bed everyone night with songs of thanksgiving for just that alone. Next we have His whole “forgiving and forgetting our sins”. I don’t know about you, but if I had a dime for everyone….. Thank you Jesus we don’t have to review those. Then we have the fact that He “heals all our diseases.” Imagine if Christ wasn’t in control of our bodies. All the things we do to ourselves from driving wreck-less and eating terrible. Then you have the billions upon billions of germs we encounter every day. We should be dead, seriously. But God is so mighty he saves us from death, daily. Finally, Psalms 103 reveals to us that He crowns us with love and compassion and SATISFIES OUR DESIRES WITH GOOD THINGS. He goes beyond, beyond to bless us. That was only 5 lines in the whole entire bible revealing God’s blessings. Repentance has risen up in me and my heart swells with songs of thanksgiving at how truly amazing our God really is. Paul said he learned to be content. I think He learned by fully relying on God and acknowledging every minute blessing God bestowed upon Him, from strength to humility. This fast is teaching me who God really is and what He wants, and ridding me of who I am and what I want. I am thankful for that. What are you thankful for? I would love to hear the things God has done and is doing in your life. Let’s lift His name up and give Him some praise! Thanks and have a blessed day :)