Goodbye Yesterday, Hello Tomorrow.

It is officially 2:47 a.m. on the first day of 2010. Happy New Year! As I sit here, delirious and hungover from excessive amounts of peanut butter balls and punch, I reminisce on the last 23 years of my life. For a cup half full perspective, each year has been better than the one before. I am filled with anticipation of what the new year will hold for me. God has blessed me abundantly and continues to pour out His favor upon me. His promise of plans to give me hope and a future are exceeding every bit of my expectations. I dare to even imagine what He has in store for me this year. Tonight I leave any and every expectation or preconceived notion behind. Tonight I exhale and brace myself fo

r the unknown. The possibilities are endless with the Lord in the driver seat of my life. Tonight, I leave yesterday behind and eagerly look forward to what tomorrow holds. Tonight I am going to bed overly satisfied, fully content, and incandescently happy. Tonight, I enter 2010 fully trusting God and ready for the plans He has for my life to begin. My plans for the new year along with my resolutions are getting thrown into the trash. Who really carries them out anyways? Instead, I'm leaving my plans up to God. They're in His hands to do with them as He pleases. This year I'll live by one motto and one alone. "Plan to be surprised". It's the theme to one of my favorite movies Dan in Real Life. So, I end 2009 with one request from the Lord-surprise me God, I plan to be surprised. Goodnight and goodbye 2009, Hello and Good morning 2010 :)

You May Say that I’m a Dreamer….

(Am I the Only One?)

Tonight was a glorious night to say the least. I enjoyed hours upon hours of marvelous girl time. First my beloved friend Erin came over. We baked cookies, listened to the Beatles,….even played dress up! We talked a lot, laughed a lot, sang louder than we should, and of course analyzed each other’s lives (we are both Psych majors). Erin is my shoulder to lean on and that “when you’ve got a friend in need” kind of friend. She always knows how to put my jumbled thoughts in order to create within me a sound mind. That poor girl endures more heart to heart vomiting then anyone should ever have to. I love her and appreciate her so much for that. Upon her departure, Rae was the next to knock on the door. As always, we welcomed each other with instant giggles and over dramatized stories of our week. She came bearing gifts too, a diet Dr. Pepper. She knows me too well. Rae is definitely one of my soul mates. I believe we have many of those in life. One thing that binds me and Rae is our hopeless romantic, whimsy spirits. We talk about the hopes we had as little girls, we plan our weddings, and we daydream about traveling the world someday. When I am with Rae, she helps me hold on to the belief that fairytales do exist.

I know that I’m a dreamer. I know that I prefer to live in a flight of fancy over reality. I’m okay with this. It seems that other people are not however. It makes me sad when I tell someone how I view my future, and they laugh and tell me that it’s not reality. They start in with the “well what if” and “but you have to”. Oh my favorite, “Emily, (giggling in that annoying way of theirs) that just doesn’t exist”. Ugh, who has bewitched these people!? If you think about it, what is reality? Who gets to define it and why? Just because one person’s reality is a 9 to 5 job, a mediocre marriage and a complacent life, doesn’t mean it’s the same for the next person.

Webster defines reality as “the quality or state of being real”. If you can see it, touch it, taste it or hear it then I say it’s real! I think people stop believing in fairytales when life simply throws them a curve ball and they don’t know how to catch it. They attempt to dodge it and fall on their face. Their first failure keeps them on the ground. That first misfortune devours their hope. That first heart break leaves them….broken. Trust me, I’ve been through all of them. There have been times when I’ve been tempted, even enthralled by the idea of succumbing to the mediocrity of normal, lackluster living. Better safe than sorry, right? But think of all the breathtaking moments these people miss out on by being safe.

I know a woman well into her fifty’s who believes that all men are pigs. Granted some of them are, her belief system arose out of one bad relationship! This bitter ending led her to believe all men were the same. This in turn, caused her to go after such men. Do you see the vicious cycle? When you allow one circumstance to cause your hope to be deferred, you are only impairing yourself. In Emily’s world, she would have got off of the ground, picked her feet up, wiped the dirt off her hands, held her head high knowing that this broken hurt would be redeemed 100 hundred times over by a man who would love her til’ death do them part. If she would have just held on to the belief that there was a Knight in shining armor just waiting to come rescue her, then maybe, just maybe he would have eventually came. But now she will never know because she let go of the dream, and settled for what SHE thought, was reality. Do you catch my drift?

So maybe I am a dreamer, but at least a dreamer never settles. At least a dreamer always reaches for the moon knowing if they miss they’ll at least land among the stars. I know that relationships struggle, jobs grow old, we grow up and life happens. All I’m saying is that everyone deserves the best. The Lord puts desires in our hearts for a reason. He believes in romance, exhilaration, and abounding joy. In the midst of life, fairytales do exist. They exist in the small things. Don’t let them pass you by. Play dress up at 23, take spontaneous road trips to nowhere, laugh until you cry, find soul mates in unexpected places and keep dreaming for things yet to come. Never give up hope. Because “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). Let your roots grow deep and your branches high. For Life is but a dream…..

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE..

I think I have finally begun to understand the validity in this proverb. Patience. I’ve always heard preachers and those “full of wisdom” say, “Never pray for patience, because you’ll get it”. I’ve spent much of my prayer time with my soul in debate with my mind over to pray, or not to pray for that eight letter word that seems to carry so much weight. How can one word cause so much turmoil? If patience is such a vice to our character, why do we run from all that it holds. I think it is because we have been misguided, misinformed to the beauty of patience. The beauty of its virtuous gain. I believe that as humans, especially Americans, instant gratification has defined our lives for so long. We never have to wait for anything. Ask and you shall receive has been taken quite literally. Though my flesh lust after this behavior, my heart aches at all the wonderful things we miss out on by forsaking the wait. Recently, God has been moving in some pretty grandeur ways in my life. Words from Him I’ve been longing to hear, places I’ve been longing for Him to send me, are starting to be fulfilled. There were times when I would cry out and beg for movement. There were times when I didn’t understand and couldn’t comprehend why He didn’t seem to have any interest in my life. Looking back now, I see that it wasn’t merely movement He was doing in my life, it was much bigger. It was a complete rebirthing of my existence. During those periods of waiting, He was preparing me. He was molding me and shaping me as clay in the Potters hands. As I look back over journals I see His hands carving out each beautiful facet of my life. I see places where He built character in me. I see places where He saved me when I didn’t even realize I needed saving. I can see His fingerprints stained in the canvas of my stories. A work of art that delicately formed, my friends, is priceless. It is in these moments when I can sing in my patience. It’s in these moments when my heart is at peace with the patience He has mercifully given to me. We are His masterpiece. The Sistine chapel wasn’t built overnight. It was done thriftily, flawlessly, with detailed precision, and most of all with love. For the artist knew just what His creation was worth. Out of patience, magnificence was birthed and history forever changed. Now as I ponder that old proverb, I know the triumph of patience is not the virtue, but what it manifest’ in between. Tonight I’ll welcome patience and admire the beauty that unfolds.

She’s got a ticket to ride and she don’t care…

When John Lennon wrote this song, I am pretty sure he had me in mind (or so I’d like to think). The Beatles have always been my favorite band. My dad introduced them to me at a young age. It was the way we bonded. He would play me their records and tell me how each song reflected a time in his life. I fell in love with everything the Beatles represented to him. In the way he listened to them, I could sense him reminiscing on his past. He would daydream about times when he was a maverick, living life free. He let creativity be his guide through life and lived every second as his own. He wore shirts that said, “Keep on keepin’ on”, listened to the Beatles with his five year old and drew cartoons of our family. That’s what I loved about our time together, that it revolved around passion and originality. I am the spitting image of my father, looks and personality. I’ve always been a free spirit, standing on my tiptoes ready to fly away at the drop of a hat. Upon entering my twenties, I’ve realized I somehow left this part of me behind. The spontaneity I once possessed turned into what if’s and anxious fears. My aesthetic aspirations were replaced with mundane routine. Passion that was once indissoluble is now eclipsed by a simple discouraging word. As I began reflecting on this gradual shift of personality, one word was placed on my heart. Fear. Recently, while talking to the Lord, I’ve asked him to show me who I am. I am finally at a point where I no longer need the world to tell me, but I wanted to know who he sincerely created me to be. His word has told me he fearfully and wonderfully made me, however I don’t feel either of those things. I’ve felt like my own personal identity cease to exist. Like I woke up one day and looked in the mirror at a complete stranger. The vibrant little girl, fearless and animated had become worn down, anxious, and…well…paralyzed by fear. God has begun to reveal to me that somewhere along life’s journey I lost sight of who I am and who I was created to be. I have allowed life circumstances to tell me that the person I am is not good enough, or even worse, is too much. I did what my father never would; I rejected my uniqueness and conformed. I have allowed fear to grow in my heart that keeps me from spreading my wings and taking risk. God’s words are true when He says he “does not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. “ (2 Timothy 1:7. He tells me to be “strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9) As these revelations of fear overpowering me have risen to surface, I’ve realized how I have missed out on so much. God in his infinite mercy has given me gifts and told me to use them. He’s presented the gospel and asked me to go out and make disciples of all nations. He has created me as a masterpiece, to do good works in his name. He has told me I may approach him with CONFIDENCE. My passion and boldness are traits the Lord has lavished upon me for his good. I want to live fearlessly knowing that nothing that lies ahead of me is bigger than my God. I want to live the life I have been given, and be the person I was made to be, God’s zealous daughter with a heart for beauty and a passion for life. I want to live courageously knowing that the “Lord is the Spirit and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom.” (2 Corinthians 3:17) He has given me freedom to make decisions and freedom to take risk. Freedom, to be who I am and freedom to live confidently. Freedom to fly, knowing that if I fall He will catch me. In the words of the Beatles “Like a humming bird I’ll fly as a bird on wings. Whatever happened to the life we once knew? Always made me feel so free.” So here I go, spreading my wings and soaring on the wind of his promises. “Free as a bird, it’s the next best thing to be.”

Mary and Me..

I am currently going through a mid-twenties crisis. Tonight,I laid on my bedroom floor for hours romanticizing thoughts of moving to England. I envisioned meeting a tall, dark and handsome English boy (think Mr. Darcy). We would get married and live in a flat overlooking the Tower Bridge. We would drink hot tea and sit in pubs at night. Then reality hit me and I realized I had a research paper due. Ugh. I feel like my whole life consist of chasing rainbows. I constantly daydream of greener grasses and fields of flowers. Being 23, single, and not really knowing my place in life leaves me anxious for discovery and the excitement of newness. My latest obsession is Mary Tyler Moore. That girl knows how to make singleness and independence look enchanting. As a matter of fact, the theme song is stuck in my head right. "Who can turn the world on with a smile..." I just want adventure and something more than the monotony of going through the motions of life. Please, don't mistake my belligerent babble in that I am discontent with my life or unfulfilled. My life is completely full and exudes joy. I just constantly wonder if there is more. I often ponder if I myself am living it to the fullest. I wonder, why Fairy tales can't really exist. Why can't these stories of people who travel the world, living in hostels and teaching scuba diving lessons be realistic? I wanna eat Curry in India. I want to walk the streets of Minneapolis and dance in the snow. I want a boy to whisk me away on his vespa down the streets of London. Is this too much to ask? Maybe I just like the idea of it all. Maybe chasing the rainbow is more captivating then actually finding the pot of gold. This whole twenties thing and trying to find myself is way more difficult then I ever imagined. I'm just gonna take it from Mary. She seems to live one day at a time and embrace change or consistency as it occurs. She's always ready for anything. So this blog is dedicated to Mary. As I venture on this journey we call life, may I be as prepared to turn the world on with my smile as Mary was. I might just "make it after all" ;) .